Do you remember the episode of The Cosby Show where Claire is sick and tired of everyone and everything, so Cliff books her a weekend alone at a rustic resort in the woods so she can get some peace and quiet? I sure do. When I need to go to my "happy place" I picture myself on my very own private vacation. A sleep vacation. Just me....alone...by myself...just....me. Places and times such as these only existed in fairy tales (and Cosby Show re-runs) UNTIL this past Christmas.
My family gave me the greatest gift of all, the gift of leaving me the hell alone. 2 nights ALONE in a nice hotel in downtown Vancouver. 2 days of shopping ALONE where ever I want for as long as I want. 2 days of eating ALONE when ever I want. 2 days of sleeping in ALONE as late as I want. Oh god.
Ok, I feel sick...ALONE? I can't handle alone. I haven't been alone for 2 days in...well...EVER. Oh god, I can't breathe....I feel nauseous. Just breathe. breathe. breathe. This is supposed to be the weekend that moms dream of, and here I am freaking out that I might get lonely and what if my whole family falls to pieces because I'm not there? How will they know when to eat? Sleep? Bathe? Who will I nag? Who will yell at me to come wipe their bums? Who will need me to explain why Cialis is NOT right for them (Princess A has been quoting this commercial lately...awkward.) How will I sleep without being woken up 12 times while hubby sleeps blissfully next to me and is none the wiser when he wakes up from his beauty sleep the next morning? Ok...this might be awesome after all...I think.
But seriously though, how is it that we moms who constantly crave "a break", when finally given one, often don't know what to do with ourselves. We rely so much on being relied on. With no one to care for, no elbows to kiss, no noses to wipe, often we are lost. We've lost part of ourselves. But for the most part, I think I'm ok with that. I will often describe myself as very independent, but what I have learned is that I have shifted to a more co-dependent role. I depend on my daughters and husband to need me...it's what I was born to do. I know that in their eyes, nobody cooks macaroni and cheese like I do. Nobody can colour as good as I can. Nobody finds a missing stuffy like I can, but most of all NOBODY can love them like I can.
So here I am on the eve of my big sleep vacation and the more I think about it the more excited I get. My kids will be here with their dad, who in all honesty, quite enjoys the odd time I go away. Not only does it give him a chance to spend some quality one on 3 time with his littlest ladies, but it gives him 2 days to do what he wants when he wants without Mrs. Control Freak nagging his ass...and let me tell you, and this isn't easy (gulp, deep breath) he does a fantastic job...maybe....even....as....good....as....me.
So I will head downtown tomorrow with no agenda what so ever and I will savour every minute of it, and when those moments come, where I feel lonely and feel the urge to call home for a status report, I will imagine myself back home on Monday morning, making 3 breakfasts, 2 lunches, wiping 1 butt, settling 5 screaming matches, and I will pour myself another glass of wine and make a toast to ol' Mrs. Huxtable and the brilliant idea she pioneered for us all!